Self-care is sometimes doing the hardest things

“Self-care is sometimes doing the hardest things”.

“WHAT?!!!! Ugh….guess I’m getting out of bed (grumble, grumble).”

This is the conversation that happened in my head this morning as my alarm clock is ringing and all I want to do is hit snooze for the tenth time and sleep a few more minutes instead of getting my butt on the bike.  Let me give you some context. One of my dearest friends shared an article with me a couple weeks ago regarding self-care (see the full post below).  It’s not often I read long social media posts and even less frequent that they stick with me but this one has been a real game-changer in my world.  I’ve been eager to write about it but also wanted to take time to let it sink in and allow myself to process its message.  The concept of “self-care” is something that is very important to me, both personally and professionally, and I want to do the topic justice.

We typically think of “self-care” as the pretty things of life, like pedicures, manicures, massages, wine with friends, binge-watching Netflix, and/or warm vacations in the dead of winter.  Well, those things CAN be self-care, but GENUINE self-care is often the nitty gritty, down-and-dirty work we do and choices we make to move ourselves in the direction we want to be going.  So, self-care is sometimes doing the hardest things.

Here are some of the “hardest things” self-care could be (not a complete list):

*Leaving a job that is exhausting

*No longer attending family gatherings due to toxic family relationships

*Waking up an hour early to exercise

*Saying “no” (sometimes to the pretty things like wine with friends or binge-watching Netflix)

*Leaving a relationship with someone we love because it is harmful to us to stay

*Making ourselves feel emotions rather than run away from them (with food, alcohol, being “busy”, Netflix, etc)

*Reusing and recycling (for the good of the planet and the good of your pocketbook)

*Taking a break from technology

*Not buying new clothing for 1 year

*Choosing to roast vegetables for a snack rather than eat a box of Oreos

*Having hot tea and a bath instead of a glass (or bottle) of wine after a stressful day

*Not attending a kid’s birthday party because you and your child are worn out.

*Leaving/limiting social media

*Not apologizing for your decisions

*Donating time or money to a cause that is important to you

*Being honest with others AND yourself

*Practicing forgiveness for yourself and others

*Going to therapy to deal and cope with difficulties rather than allowing them to continually interrupt your life at the worst moments.

Yikes! This makes self-care sound like zero fun at all.  However, think about how good it would feel to do some of those “hardest things” for yourself.

The author of the post that so captivated me mentioned “parenting yourself.”  How do you take care of your child?  If you aren’t a parent, how would you take care of a child if there was one in your life for a few hours?  I guarantee most of us would not chain them to a desk for 10 hours, feed them 2-3 meals out of a cardboard box, and then give them a bottle of wine and an iPad to zone out on the couch until bedtime for “self-care,” the whole time reminding them of how they aren’t doing enough and are failing everyone in their life.  In fact, we would not do that because that would constitute child abuse. So, I challenge you, what makes it ok to do the same to ourselves and call some of those activities self-care???!!

Self-care includes, “making choices for long-term wellness.”  When you think of long-term wellness, I bet you don’t think of fast food, constant running around, and non-stop stress.  Here is what we know is good for all humans who want longevity and health: movement, eating nutritious foods in moderation, limiting alcohol, spending time outside, and having quality relationships with other humans (and animals).  How many of us MAKE TIME for these things in our day?  (Note the emphasis on MAKE TIME).  It is amazing the things we will make time for in the name of caring for others or people-pleasing or even “self-care.”  The common excuse we have when it comes to honest-to-goodness self-care, the kind of self-care that truly cares for our body and overall health is, I DON’T HAVE TIME.  Baloney, if you have time to check social media you have time to roast vegetables.  If you can make time to zone out in front of the television, you can make time to move your body for a few minutes.  If you can make time to stop at McDonald’s or the liquor store, you can make time to notice what is happening with nature outside your window. If you can make time to get your nails done, you can make time to reflect on what is not working in your daily routine.

Here is the passage I mentioned above as well as a link to where I originally found the passage.  I encourage you to print it out and read it, then read it again, and read it again.  Take it to heart and think about what it means for you in your life.  What would taking care of yourself look like?  I have come up with a few things for myself which include getting up early to exercise, choosing healthy food and drink even when I don’t want to, giving time to family and a select few friends even when I don’t want to leave my warm cozy chair, being my own boss, and making time to finish the online course I started.  I don’t accomplish these things every day and I fail a whole lot at this, but I show up, try every day, and am honest with myself about how I’m doing and what needs to change.  I would love to hear your thoughts on the post below and this blog post.  I truly believe this is a game-changer for how we envision self-care if we allow ourselves the time to think about it.

“Self-care is often a very unbeautiful thing.

It is making a spreadsheet of your debt and enforcing a morning routine and cooking yourself healthy meals and no longer just running from your problems and calling the distraction a solution.

It is often doing the ugliest thing that you have to do, like sweat through another workout or tell a toxic friend you don’t want to see them anymore or get a second job so you can have a savings account or figure out a way to accept yourself so that you’re not constantly exhausted from trying to be everything, all the time and then needing to take deliberate, mandated breaks from living to do basic things like drop some oil into a bath and read Marie Claire and turn your phone off for the day.

A world in which self-care has to be such a trendy topic is a world that is sick. Self-care should not be something we resort to because we are so absolutely exhausted that we need some reprieve from our own relentless internal pressure.

True self-care is not salt baths and chocolate cake, it is making the choice to build a life you don’t need to regularly escape from.

And that often takes doing the thing you least want to do.

It often means looking your failures and disappointments square in the eye and re-strategizing. It is not satiating your immediate desires. It is letting go. It is choosing new. It is disappointing some people. It is making sacrifices for others. It is living a way that other people won’t, so maybe you can live in a way that other people can’t.

It is letting yourself be normal. Regular. Unexceptional. It is sometimes having a dirty kitchen and deciding your ultimate goal in life isn’t going to be having abs and keeping up with your fake friends. It is deciding how much of your anxiety comes from not actualizing your latent potential, and how much comes from the way you were being trained to think before you even knew what was happening.

If you find yourself having to regularly indulge in consumer self-care, it’s because you are disconnected from actual self-care, which has very little to do with “treating yourself” and a whole lot do with parenting yourself and making choices for your long-term wellness.

It is no longer using your hectic and unreasonable life as justification for self-sabotage in the form of liquor and procrastination. It is learning how to stop trying to “fix yourself” and start trying to take care of yourself… and maybe finding that taking care lovingly attends to a lot of the problems you were trying to fix in the first place.

It means being the hero of your life, not the victim. It means rewiring what you have until your everyday life isn’t something you need therapy to recover from. It is no longer choosing a life that looks good over a life that feels good. It is giving the hell up on some goals so you can care about others. It is being honest even if that means you aren’t universally liked. It is meeting your own needs so you aren’t anxious and dependent on other people.

It is becoming the person you know you want and are meant to be. Someone who knows that salt baths and chocolate cake are ways to enjoy life – not escape from it.”
-Brianna Wiest

Self-care Post